


let me walk upon the waters

by galaxtae



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, nothing graphic though, some soft kisses i guess?, soonyoung is tired but it's okay because he has jihoon, this is mostly just soft, this is very self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 22:32:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14628408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxtae/pseuds/galaxtae
Summary: Soonyoung is used to grasping at a mask of optimism, anything to keep his head above water, but sometimes - just sometimes - he slips under. It’s okay though, because Jihoon is always there to pull him back up.(or: It’s been approximately two days - 42 hours and 31 minutes to be exact, but Jihoon isn’t counting - since Soonyoung has texted him. Instead, Jihoon finds him crumpled listlessly in a heap on the carpeted floor, arm draped over his face and curtains drawn tightly shut.)





	let me walk upon the waters

**Author's Note:**

> title from oceans (where feet may fail) by hillsong united  
> i'm a firm believer in jihoon taking care of soonyoung and their relationship being built on mutual love and support  
> ALSO tw: references to depression  
> depression is a serious issue, and i am by no means trying to romanticize it. please, take care of yourselves. i’m sure everyone’s tired of hearing it, but, if nothing else, talk to someone about it. you're always welcome to talk to me

For all of Soonyoung’s usual grandeur and endless enthusiasm, he’s been unusually quiet recently.

Jihoon gives him some time; he prefers not to be overbearing. People have busy lives and sometimes they need time for themselves, and Soonyoung is no exception. 

But, it’s been approximately two days since Jihoon has last heard from him (42 hours and 31 minutes to be exact, but he isn’t counting), their last interaction being Soonyoung’s half-hearted decline for jajangmyeon over text.

  


 

*

  


 

It’s late spring, so the sun is on the verge of being unbearably bright. The slight breeze provides a bit of relief, and Jihoon watches the shade of the trees ruffle on the pavement.

The stairs up to Soonyoung’s apartment creak under Jihoon’s feet.

Jihoon fishes a copy of the apartment key (“I want you to have it!” Soonyoung had insisted earnestly, ignoring Jihoon’s noises of despair) and lets himself in.

The apartment is dark. All the curtains are drawn close, with only a slim strip of light filtering through the gap between the two curtains.

Jihoon toes off his shoes at the front door, throwing his bag haphazardly on the couch nearby. He silently treads further into the room.

There’s a half emptied bottle of vodka placed precariously on the coffee table. Soonyoung must’ve nicked it from Jeonghan or Seungcheol earlier this week. Jihoon breathes out through his nose. Soonyoung’s alcoholic beverage of choice is usually soju - something sweeter, less harsh and burning. In fact, Soonyoung usually avoids vodka at all costs, so that’s something.

Jihoon’s heart clenches.

And there he is.

He sees Soonyoung crumpled listlessly in a heap on the carpeted floor, arm draped over his face. Jihoon thinks he’s asleep until he walks closer and catches Soonyoung watching him.

“Oh, baby,” Jihoon says softly as he crouches down to gently push back Soonyoung’s hair. Soonyoung slowly moves his arm down and looks up at Jihoon, curling tighter into himself. There’s something dull and vacant about his gaze, and Jihoon’s heart hurts a little more. It’s not from the alcohol- it’s not the same look as the one drunk Soonyoung wears.

“How’re you feeling?" 

“Tired.” Soonyoung’s eyes slip shut. Jihoon gently cards his hands through Soonyoung’s hair again.

Soonyoung’s eyes peel open again, slowly, and a strangled breath escapes from his lips. “I just- I just _don’t know_ . I’m so, _so_ tired. I’ve tried everything- I tried watching a movie and I tried drinking, _nothing’s_ working.”

“I know, I know,” Jihoon says quietly.

“I’m just so _tired_ ,” he repeats, a shudder wracking through his body.

This is the worst kind of episode, because there’s just so little that Jihoon can actually do. He can’t change the way that Soonyoung feels- he can’t even help Soonyoung understand his own feelings better. These are some of the few instances when Jihoon is completely helpless.

Jihoon bends down lower, lips brushing Soonyoung’s forehead.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

Soonyoung stares back up at him blankly, silent, as if the brief exchange had drained the remainder of his energy. It’s okay, though. Jihoon doesn’t need him to respond.

He grabs Soonyoung’s limp hands and pulls him into a sitting position. “Wait here,” he instructs.

Soonyoung watches him, glossy-eyed, as Jihoon pads to the kitchen.

The refrigerator is mostly empty. There’s no use in trying to get Soonyoung to eat. anyways. Instead, he opens the cupboards, grabs a mug, and fills it with tap water. Not the most ideal, but it’s something. Jihoon reminds himself to boil a kettle of water later.

Soonyoung hasn’t moved since he had left; he’s still hunched in a sitting position, only his gaze is trained intensely on the carpeted floor.

“What’d the carpet do to you?” Jihoon asks lightly, as he lowers himself to the ground, pressing the mug into Soonyoung’s hands.

Soonyoung hums in response. It’s small, but it’s something. One thing at a time.

“Drink some water,” Jihoon tells him. “Please.”

Bone-weary Soonyoung is obedient, and Jihoon watches, relieved, when he carefully raises the cup to his lips and tips it back.

"I started working on a new song today," Jihoon tells him. "Remember the lyrics I showed you a while ago? Well, I think it's finally going to be finished."

Soonnyoung makes a noise of acknowledgment. He takes another sip of water.

"Oh, and they released a new Deadpool 2 trailer. It's going to be so good- We have to go see it once it comes out."

Another hum of agreement and a nod. 

This is good. Small, small steps. Jihoon isn't usually the one holding up the conversation, but he'll do it. The more he talks about small and insignificant things, the more Soonyoung will feel better- more human. He knows this. He's done this before.

Eventually, after a good while of mindless chatter on Jihoon's part, Soonyoung sets the mug down next to him.

Jihoon's heart pings for a moment, happy to see that the cup is empty now. "Look at you go. Got that self-care nailed down."

His words seems to bring some light back into Soonyoung's eyes. They're still not right. Not even close, but baby steps. Baby steps.

Jihoon knows the praise is reassuring to Soonyoung. They tell him that it's okay and that he's doing a good job. He can still function, and it's okay if some day-to-day tasks take him a little longer to do, he can still do them.

Jihoon stands up and dusts his jeans off. Then, he grabs Soonyoung's hands. "Ready?"

Soonyoung nods and allows himself to be heaved up by Jihoon. When he's up and standing, he leans heavily on the shorter man.

They take slow, measured steps toward the bedroom. Soonyoung is shaky, and Jihoon curls an arm around his waist to support him.

One foot in front of the other.

The bedroom isn't that far away, but it takes them a few minutes to make it there. The blinds are drawn in here too, with a blue, watery light filtering through.

Once Soonyoung is safely situated on the bed, Jihoon turns to dig throuh his messy closet for something comfortable. At least something more comfortable and clean than the jeans and t-shirt that Soonyoung has been wearing for at least three days.

Eventually, he digs up a old, oversized t-shirt. It's soft and clean (at least it smells clean). He also picks out a pair of basketball shorts.

Soonyoung is functional enough stand up and change out of his old clothes, but Jihoon helps him pull the t-shirt over his head anyways. He leans up and presses a soft kiss to Soonyoung's lips, proud of the progress he's made today.

"Are you hungry?"

Predictably, Soonyoung shakes his head. 

"That's okay."

 Soonyoung flops back onto the bed and immediately latches onto a pillow.

 Jihoon takes a moment to escape from his jeans and crawls into the other side of the bed.  Soonyoung abandons the pillow and instead wraps his arms around Jihoon's middle, tucking himself under his chin.

Jihoon raises his hand and pets Soonyoung's hair softly. "Do you want to talk about it or would you rather watch something?"

Soonyoung's grip tightens a bit, and he draws in a shuddering breath. Jihoon brushes his lips on Soonyoung's head in comfort. "Take your time, Soonyoung-ah. I'll be here." 

He's shaking, and the only think Jihoon can do is hug him closer, if that were even possible.

"I just- don't know. I don't know why I feel so tired and so shitty." An echo from their earlier conversation.

Jihoon feels his shirt dampening where Soonyoung has buried his face. He doesn't mention it- doesn't call attention to it because he knows that Soonyoung hates this feeling, hates it especially when he can't understand it.

"I feel so unsatisfied and exhausted and just- just confused. And- and it's just so selfish, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with my life, so how can I sit here and cry and complain," Soonyoung’s hand clenches around the fabric of Jihoon's shirt.

"Hey, hey," Jihoon interrupts him."That's okay. That's okay. You're allowed to feel however you feel." Soonyoung makes some muffled, indignant noises. Jihoon flicks him on the head lightly. "I'm serious. Just because other people have worse problems than you doesn't mean that your problems are any less valid."

"I know," Soonyoung groans, dragging out the last vowels in the second word. Jihoon's lips curl up into a smile at that, because it's the closest to happy Soonyoung he's heard all day. "I just, god, I'm so fucking useless and I don't have any legitimate problems. Fuck."

The sobs are seizing his entire body now. Before Jihoon can even utter a response, Soonyoung continues, words tumbling from his lips unbidden and uncontrolled.

"I feel like such a brat- I'm so useless. I sit here and complain and then you have to take care of me because I can't even muster up the will to live," he chokes out.

Jihoon's breath hitches. Soonyoung notices and immediately twists his head up to look at him, eyes wide and still glistening. "God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just so _tired_."

"Baby-" Jihoon says quietly.

Soonyoung seems stricken by the effect his own words. "God, I'm such a burden. I'm sorry, Jihoonie, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You deserve so much more and this is the most you're going to get from me."

Jihoon immediately pushes Soonyoung from him. Carefully, he reaches out and places his hands on the other man's shoulders. "Don't ever say that, don't every say that, Soonyoung. You're everything and more. You will _never_ not be enough."

Soonyoung stares past him blankly, unseeing.

"It'll be okay. We can get through this."

"You don't have to do this with me," Soonyoung says suddenly. "You can leave if you want."

Jihoon laughs softly. "I know. But there's nothing that you could do that will make me want to leave you."

"Jihoonie- I might not get better. I-I might be like this my entire life."

"I know," Jihoon repeats. "But for you? I can do anything."  


 

 

*

  


 

Later, after one 4-hour nap, Soonyoung has brightened considerably. He's not healed, not even close, but they've made progress.

Because, yeah, Soonyoung might slip under once in a while, but Jihoon will always be there to pull him back up.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> instead of making progress on my multi-chaptered fic, ive decided to distract myself (and procrastinate on studying for my exams) by creating this monster. anyways, this is 100% self-indulgent because i am feeling Soft and Sad and probably projecting my own emotions. also, i’m sorry for the abrupt ending and (probably) numerous errors. this fic idea has been haunting me for a while, so i j sat down and hammered it out without editing it.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/kwonsoonyoungi)


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